The Good Life
by Supa Supa Bad Truly Mad Moves
Summary: The world is saved, and the monsters are enjoying their new lives as free U.S. citizens in an extravagant Modesto mansion. Relaxation, partying, the occasional monstrous mission... life don't get much better than this for five monsters. Susan/Doc COMPLETE
1. The Mansion

**Hello. I haven't written fanfiction in many years, but a number of things have popped up this year that have greatly inspired me, and one of them is **_**Monsters vs. Aliens**_**. I anticipated it for many months and am quite irritated by the fact that I have only seen it twice. But here's my fic! I call it "The Good Life". A largely plotless detailing of the monsters' lives after they save the world!**

**The Good Life**

**Chapter 1: The Mansion**

"All right," said the Missing Link, hefting a Wii Remote. "I call player one. Last one to say 'go' is out."

"Go," said Susan.

"Go," said B.O.B.

"Go," said Dr. Cockroach.

"Cool," said Link. He tossed remotes to the other three. "Sorry, Insecto."

Insectosaurus nodded, unbothered.

The five monsters were at their new home, a lavish mansion on a cliff overlooking the ocean just outside of Modesto. Each of the mansion's three stories was high-ceilinged enough for Susan to stand comfortably, and the cliff was just the right height that Insectosaurus could stand at the foot of the cliff and peer through the windows.

Link inserted the _Wii Sports_ disc and selected bowling. The monsters owned a gigantic television set, with surround sound, Wii, Blu-Ray, and Apple TV. Saving the world had its perks, and money was readily available in seemingly endless supply. The monsters had all the food, clothes, and entertainment they could ever imagine.

Link swung his Wii-mote and bowled a flawless strike. "Hmm," he said thoughtfully. "I don't like that. So far, I'm off to a bad start."

Susan laughed appreciatively, then delicately raised her own controller. It had taken some getting used to, but after some time she had learned how to make her movements subtle enough that she didn't destroy anything. In her practice, she had gone through four televisions and at least twenty Wii-motes.

Now, however, she bowled a perfect Brooklyn strike.

"Well done, Susan," said Dr. Cockroach, applauding. "You're up, B.O.B."

B.O.B. slid up off the couch and held up his Wii-mote. He moved his character back and forth, back and forth, then switched modes and slanted the path of the ball from side to side. He squinted at the screen and moved himself from side to side.

"Uh, dude?" Link said. "What are you doing?"

"I'm contemplating," B.O.B. replied.

"I see. Well, don't! Just bowl already."

"I want to get this exactly right," B.O.B. insisted. "Just give me a second."

He considered for a few more moments, then bowled. The ball curved wildly and only knocked down the #7 pin.

"Smooth," Link chuckled.

"I got 'em right where I want 'em," B.O.B. said smugly. He bowled again, this time only hitting the #10 pin.

"Good strategy," Link said. "Could use some work, though."

Dr. Cockroach stood up to bowl. An alarm on his wristwatch went off, and he glanced out the window. "Escargantua is getting away again," he reported. "Do you mind, Insectosaurus?"

Insectosaurus looked down the mansion's driveway, where the giant snail was indeed making a run for it. He fluttered into the air, scooped Escargantua up, and set it back in the house's fenced-in yard.

The defeat of the Parisian monster was not as glamorous as the team had expected. The snail was barely larger than Susan, perfectly harmless, and by all appearances only as intelligent as a normal snail. The monsters had spent some time debating what to do with it, but hadn't yet gotten to a conclusion.

They finished their game of Wii Bowling. B.O.B. scored an all-time worst of 16, Dr. Cockroach had a reasonably good score of 130, and Link and Susan were tied at 240.

A derisive screech came from outside the back window.

Link bristled. "Is that right, pal?" he snarled. "I suppose you can do better? All right, you and me, baseball, right now."

"_SCREECH._"

"Well, if you need some time to prepare, I understand…"

"_SCREECH._"

"Right now? You sure? If you say so…"

Link clicked on baseball. Susan passed her Wii-mote out the window, and Insectosaurus caught it in his spindly hand. Link held his remote like a bat, and Insectosaurus pressed the A and B buttons to throw a splitter. Link didn't swing. Insectosaurus threw another splitter, and Link still didn't move.

"I can do this all day, pal," Link growled.

Insectosaurus threw a curveball, and Link hit a double. Link chuckled. "I am so going to whip your hide," he said.

"You realize," Susan noted, "that if you two actually played baseball, Insectosaurus would pound you five miles through solid rock, don't you?"

"Yeah, well, that's why we've got the Wii," Link retorted. "Besides, how could a 35-story butterfly play baseball anyway?"

"Ooh, I know this one," said B.O.B. "Anything he wants, right?"

The others were silent for a moment. Dr. Cockroach suddenly nodded, laughed, and said, "I think that's the answer to 'What does a 35-story butterfly eat?'"

"Ah," said Link. "Anything he wants. Good try, B.O.B."

Insectosaurus threw a fastball straight down the middle, and Link hit it spectacularly.

"Uh, guys?" said B.O.B. "Escargantua's getting away again."

Insectosaurus sighed and spread his wings, but Susan held up a hand to stop him. "I'll get him, Insecto," she said. "You keep playing."

Susan ran down the driveway and hauled Escargantua back to the backyard. She ran back to the living room as soon as she could.

"What'd I miss?" she asked.

"Mercy rule," Link said, smirking. "I just smeared Insecto all over the field. Hey, Doc, I was just thinking, I think Escargantua is really causing us more trouble than he's worth. I mean, the idea of a new monster was exciting, but it really doesn't work when our only interaction with him is catching him and bringing him back. Do you think you could rig something up? Turn him back into a snail?"

"Perhaps," Dr. Cockroach said thoughtfully. "The circumstances that made Escargantua grow are quite different from what affected Susan and Insectosaurus… perhaps I could work something out to reverse the effects. Hmm… Susan, could you run to the kitchen and fetch some soy milk and a powdered fruit drink? Ah… wild cherry, if you could. And, B.O.B., if you could get the toothbrush jar from the bathroom…"

Susan and B.O.B. obeyed him as he muttered under his breath. When they returned, Dr. Cockroach mixed the milk and the wild cherry fruit drink in the toothbrush jar. The drink immediately took on a neon-green glow. "Perfect," Dr. Cockroach said. "Now, all I need is something to charge it… aha…"

He grabbed a paperclip from the computer desk, bent it, and dipped it in the concoction. It immediately sparked with electricity. "Excellent… mua-ha-ha-ha-ha! Sorry."

"See, that is just cool," Susan said. "I never would have guessed that wild cherry fruit drink in soy milk with a paper clip in a ceramic jar would do that. You're a genius, Doctor."

"Great," Link said dimly. "Now, who's up for some tennis?"

"You four go ahead," Dr. Cockroach said. "I'll test this out on the subject."

Dr. Cockroach headed to the backyard as the others hooked up their remotes.

"I want to be on Insectosaurus' team!" B.O.B. said excitedly.

Link raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? Insecto's almost as bad as you."

"Yeah, and you and Susan are the best. It's fair!"

Link smirked up at Susan. "Yep, that's fair all right."

Dr. Cockroach returned, looking a bit upset.

"You okay, Doc?" Link asked.

"Fine," he replied. "Escargantua shrank to about two feet long… I couldn't get it any smaller, and according to the rules, it's still big enough to qualify as a monster. So I just ate it."

Link nodded. "Yeah, that works."


	2. DVD Rental

**Chapter 2: DVD Rental**

"Ah, here it is!" Dr. Cockroach picked a case off the shelf of a Modesto video store. "_The Fly_, 1958. The very epitome of 1950s horror!"

"Oh, please," Link said, rolling his eyes. "I think you mean _Creature from the Black Lagoon_. Now that's 1950s horror. The Gill-man, right? Goes to all the lengths he can to get the girl. Normally that's romantic, but he's a fish-dude, so it's totally scary."

B.O.B. scoffed. "You guys don't know what you're talking about," he said. "_The Blob_! Come on. 'Indescribable! Indestructible!' Is that a tagline or is that a tagline? They're both adjectives, they have most of the same sounds…"

Susan's voice piped up from Dr. Cockroach's homemade communicators. "Hey, guys? We sent you three on the shopping trip because it's practical, but if you can't make up your minds, we will come down there."

"Fine, fine," Link muttered. To the other two, he mouthed, "She's bluffing."

"No, I'm not bluffing," she said. "Not just come to town, physically enter the video store. And not just me, both of us. And you guys will have to pay for whatever monstrous damage we may inflict."

"Fine," Link snapped. "What do you want to see, Susan? _Attack of the 50-Foot Woman_, I suppose?"

"Ew, no. Please, lay off on the 1950s horror. How about a modern romantic comedy? What's your opinion, Insecto?"

"_SCREECH._"

There was a silence, then Susan said, "Uh, Link? We need a translation."

"Oh, right," Link said. "Uh, he said… he said he doesn't care what movie we get, but you can't call him Insecto, because that's my special nickname for him."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"That's what he said? Because he's shaking his head."

"I can't imagine why. That's what he said."

"He's looking pretty angry. If I were you, I'd tell everyone what he really said sometime before you get home… or before he gets mad enough to hunt you down."

"Fine," Link said. "He said he wants _Godzilla vs. Mothra_, but that was just such a silly idea I had to drop it…"

"Well, I guess I'm overruled on the no-50s-horror thing," Susan muttered.

"No, you're not. Mothra didn't come out 'til the '60s."

"Can't you at least get one good movie?" Susan begged.

"We'll get all five," Dr. Cockroach said. "It's not like we can't afford it."

"Good thinking, Doc," Link said. "Which one did you want, Susan?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I haven't been keeping track… just check the new releases for something that looks girly."

Link shambled over to the back wall, where the new releases were kept. "I don't know, Susan," he said. "Those movies just seem kind of depressing. Maybe not to other people, but to us. Being monsters, we'll never be lucky in love, you know?"

"I beg to differ," B.O.B. said, hefting the lime Jell-O.

"Listen, B.O.B.," Link retorted. "You know we try to spare your feelings as much as we can, but we have a limit. That's not your girlfriend, okay? That's a dessert."

B.O.B. looked blankly at the Jell-O, then casually popped it into his mouth.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Link returned from the bathroom. "Sorry 'bout that," he said. He hopped onto the couch and resumed _Creature from the Black Lagoon_.

"Hey, Link," Susan said, "do you think you could take the Gill-man?"

"What do you mean, take him?"

"You know, in a fight."

Link laughed. "Yeah, I could fight the Gill-man. I could whoop the Gill-man."

"How about Abe Sapien?" Susan asked. "Could you take him?"

"Totally," Link said. "There's not a single aquatic monster whose ass I can't kick."

"Oh really?" Susan challenged. "What about Clover?"

"Clover?" Link repeated. "Uh… well, I could take the little parasite-y things that fall off of Clover."

"And Clover himself?"

"Uh… well, I get the parasites and save Clover for Insecto."

"What if Insecto wasn't with you?"

"Uh…" Link stammered. "Well, uh… what's with all the what-ifs? I'm never gonna fight Clover! Come on, if we're going to do fights do something realistic. Let's have Insecto, all alone, against Godzilla, Mothra, and Gamera."

"All in bikinis," B.O.B. added.

"Uh, no," Link said. "But, anyway, I'd back Insecto in a fight with pretty much anybody. Anything smaller than a whale he can crush under his feet. He's taller than most kaiju monsters, so he could probably take any of them. That's why I keep him around. Well, that and he's my best buddy. But he is very good in a fight, seeing as most bad guys don't carry pretty lights."

In reaction to the "pretty lights" remark, Insectosaurus shot Link the closest thing to the finger he could manage with a two-fingered claw.

"What about you?" Link asked Susan. "Could you take… oh, King Kong?"

Susan laughed. "Kong? Please, he's half my size."

"Who could I take?" Dr. Cockroach asked eagerly.

"You, Doc?" Link said. "You could take the little guys from _Gremlins_. And not the scary ones, the cute fuzzy ones before you feed 'em after midnight. And not even the aggressive ones after you pour water on 'em. The original cute one that refuses food after midnight. Him you could take."

Dr. Cockroach threw his spoon at Link.


	3. D&D

**I'm aware that Dungeons & Dragons is out of its prime, but from my perspective it appears that the jokes can still be understood by a D&D outsider. I wouldn't know, though. Bear with me.**

**Chapter 3: D&D**

Insectosaurus swooped down onto the mansion and Link jumped in the window. Susan, B.O.B., and Dr. Cockroach were playing poker. "Hey, fellas!" Link called. "Look what Insecto and I got!"

He held up a copy of the _Dungeon Master's Guide_.

"Oh, D&D!" Dr. Cockroach said excitedly. "Wonderful! Did you ever play D&D, Susan?"

"Oh, Dungeons & Dragons?" Susan said. "No, I never tried. That was more of a guy thing when I was a kid."

"Ah, we used to love D&D," Dr. Cockroach said dreamily. "I was the greatest larva mage in the Realms!"

"It was the best," Link agreed. "When Monger bought us the D&D core rulebooks… man, that broke the monotony of the '70s perfectly. And the '80s. And some of the '90s."

"What happened in the '90s?" Susan asked, catching the "some" bit.

"Oh, well," Dr. Cockroach admitted, "in 1993, we staged a re-enactment of our session…"

"We got a bit carried away," Link picked up the thread. "Some chairs got broken, and some utensils got broken, and, uh, some people got broken…"

"And Monger confiscated all our books and character sheets," B.O.B. finished. "Do you think we could get him to give them back?"

"No, he burned them," Link said. "That's okay, we can start over. Check it out." Link pulled out five miniatures that were built in the shape of the monsters. "Modesto Monsters edition D&D!" Link said proudly. "I sold them the rights to it last week, and they made us the character sheets."

Dr. Cockroach looked at the character sheets. "These are Third Edition!" he said, surprised. "I thought they stopped making these! I searched Amazon for Third Edition books for weeks."

"Well, they originally made it with Fourth Edition," Link said. "They wanted me to come by and have a look at it. I explained to the guy that Fourth Edition blows, and could he pretty-please convert it to Third, and when that didn't work we flew him to Chicago and dangled him over the edge of the Sears Tower until he agreed to bring Third Edition back."

"Excellent work, boys!" Dr. Cockroach said, impressed. "Ah, so they made monsters out of the five of us, for high-level parties to fight."

"That's right," Link said. "Check out Insecto. Colossal vermin, and they have him in grub and butterfly form. He's one of the toughest monsters they've ever come up with."

"So we can create characters, and somewhere down the road, we can fight ourselves?" Dr. Cockroach said. "Oh, that's funny."

"That's right," Link agreed. "Okay, I've worked myself up a dude called Dagon; a half-orc barbarian, chaotic neutral. Insecto is a gnome rogue called Gamble, also chaotic neutral."

"I want to be a sorcerer," Dr. Cockroach mused. "Lawful evil… a diabolical genius! I'll call him… D!"

"D?" Link repeated.

"D! With an exclamation point. I've always wanted to call a character that."

"You go ahead and do that, Doc," Link muttered. "B.O.B., what do you want?"

"I want world peace, a healthy rainforest, and bigger boobs, but let's be freakin' realistic."

"For your character, B.O.B."

"Oh. Um… I'll be a halfling cleric. Lawful neutral. I'll call her… Bunny the Bunny."

Link wrote that down on B.O.B.'s character sheet. "Bunny the Bunny?" he repeated. "Bet you were up all night coming up with that one."

"I've been working on that one for years," B.O.B. said. "Ever since we brought up the subject back in '99, I've just been mulling it over in my cell…"

"So what do I do?" Susan asked.

Link tossed her the _Player's Handbook_. "Read it, learn it," he said. "Then pick what kind of character you'd like to be."

Susan delicately opened the book. "What do you guys recommend?" she asked.

"Nothing to recommend, my dear," Dr. Cockroach. "Every option has its own advantages, and since the four of us have chosen a diverse group, you can be anything that appeals to you."

Link crawled up onto Susan's shoulder. "You'll notice," he said, "that all of the good and neutral alignments claim to be the best, while all of the evil ones say they're the most dangerous."

"So this is really a game of the imagination," Susan said. "Wow, look at all of this."

"A lot better than a video game," Link confirmed. "Way more detailed."

"Except for _Ms. Pac Man_," B.O.B. added. "You can do anything with _Ms. Pac Man_."

"Sure, pal," Link said. "So, just read it cover-to-cover so you can see all the options, then we'll help you generate your character."

"Okay," Susan said. "I'll be in my room."


	4. Par Tee

**Now, come on, folks. I don't want to be one of those poor souls who has more chapters than reviews. Help me out a bit.**

**I'd like to apologize in advance for the recurring joke related to a "stupid idea". I realize that the joke comes at some of your expense. But I do think that it is a bit of a cheap plot device. You'll see what I mean. Again, I apologize.**

**I'm surprised with myself. This chapter is many times longer than all of the others. Ah, MvA, my muse!**

**Chapter 4: Par Tee**

"Okay," Link said. "So who's invited to our Thanksgiving party?"

"General Monger," Susan said immediately. "Um, my parents. How about the President? He might not be able to come, but he'd probably like an invitation."

"Katie and Cuthbert?" Dr. Cockroach suggested.

"Who?" Link asked.

"Oh, they're those young people who first discovered the robot probe. Nice kids. Although I think they're both gay. I don't know why they're dating… anyway. Katie and Cuthbert."

"Katie and Cuthbert," Link agreed, writing it down. "Let's see… anybody else?"

"_SCREECH_," Insectosaurus offered.

"Are you kidding?" Link demanded.

"What?" Susan asked.

"Derek," Link scoffed.

"No way," B.O.B. said. "That jerk isn't coming to my party. Not after he thought he could get back with me just like that."

"B.O.B.," Susan said patiently. "You were never engaged to Derek; I was. But in essence you're right. What brought that idea on, Insectosaurus?"

"Actually, I agree," Dr. Cockroach said. "Derek may have never truly cared for you, but I think he's genuinely repentant."

Insectosaurus nodded.

"When did you see him?" Susan said suspiciously.

"He came over to visit," Dr. Cockroach said vaguely. "He, ah, didn't mention his career at all. I think he just wanted to see you."

"Where was I when this happened?" Susan demanded.

"You were at the spa," Link said. "I didn't think it was worth mentioning. I guess Doc and Insecto are more perceptive than I am… but that's nothing new. I just thought he was a jackass trying to get into the public eye by hanging with the Modesto Monsters. So, Derek on the guest list then?"

Seven eyes turned to Susan, who shrugged and said, "If you guys really think so."

"Okay, Derek," Link said, writing it down. "That's seven guests. Anybody else?"

"Gallaxhar?" B.O.B. suggested.

"He's in the old monster prison, B.O.B.," Link said. "He's barely alive. And, uh, we all hate him."

"Well, my granddad used to say 'Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer'."

"I don't think that refers to inviting dangerous aliens to a Thanksgiving party," Dr. Cockroach said. "And, uh, that was _my_ granddad who said that."

"Are you sure? 'Cause I could have sworn…"

"I'm positive, B.O.B.," Dr. Cockroach said dryly. "Your granddad was a tomato with ranch dressing. I'm pretty sure he never offered you wisdom."

"Oh," B.O.B. said lamely.

"All right then," Link said. "That's our whole guest list. Oh, Marie-Claire!"

A busty French maid strutted into the room. "_Oui_, Monsieur Link. But my name is not Marie-Claire. It's Lynn."

"I know," Link said. "But I just think that Marie-Claire makes you sound French and maid-y and all."

"_Oui_. What can I do for you, Monsieur?"

"Send out invitations to our guests," Link said, handing her the guest list. "Thank you, Marie-Claire. That'll be all."

Marie-Claire/Lynn left the living room. Link whistled at her retreating figure. "Man, Marie-Claire is hot," he said. "The two of us definitely have to go hot-tubbing sometime."

"_SCREECH._"

"Sure, Insecto. Good luck with that one, pretty-boy." He paused. "You are a boy, right? Sometimes it's hard to tell."

Insectosaurus opened the window and jabbed Link in the gut, knocking him over.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

B.O.B. positioned himself at the guest door of the mansion. Susan and Insectosaurus set the table; the monsters were always adamant about doing their own work despite their large supply of paid help.

"So, wait," Link said. "I'm not sure I heard you right. You went down to the bank… you made a mess… and you repaired it?"

"Yes, Link," Dr. Cockroach said. "Why is that so odd?"

Link scoffed. "We don't clean up our own messes," he said. "We'll help out with something our enemies trash, maybe do some heavy lifting for a disaster that we had nothing to do with, but we don't clean up a mess we made ourselves! It's… unbecoming of a monster. It's like eating quiche. Monsters don't eat quiche, and we don't clean up after ourselves."

"Perhaps," Dr. Cockroach said, "but I am a gentleman first."

"No, you're a quack first. A monster second. A don't think gentleman made the top ten."

Dr. Cockroach raised an eyebrow. "You know something, Link? Sometimes, your words, they hurt people."

There was a knock at the door. B.O.B. opened the door to see Susan's parents.

He scowled. "Derek," he said curtly.

"Er, it's Wendy," Mrs. Murphy said nervously.

"Where?" B.O.B. said, looking around.

"Me," she said. "I'm Wendy. I'm not Derek."

"Oh, hey, Mrs. Murphy," B.O.B. said. "Yeah, I remember now. Hi, I'm B.O.B."

"Yes, I know," Wendy said. "You're the hugger."

"Yay!" B.O.B. said. "I'm memorable! Hi, Carl."

"Hello, B.O.B.," Mr. Murphy replied. B.O.B. shook Carl's hand, leaving it dyed blue.

"Hey, Mom and Dad!" Susan called. "Happy Thanksgiving! Sorry, I wanted to get the door, but I was setting the table."

"It's quite a lovely place you have here," Carl said, looking around. "Custom-built for you and your friends, I assume?"

"Naturally," Susan said.

"How do you get in and out?" Wendy wondered.

"The big door," Susan said, pointing to it.

"Come give us a hug, Suzie-Q!" Carl said. "That is, assuming you're under control of your strength…"

Susan lifted them up, one in each hand, and hugged them gently to her body.

"Amazing," Wendy breathed. "How tall are you?"

"Forty-nine-foot-eleven," Susan said proudly. "Just don't ask me what I weigh. I may be a monster, but I have my pride."

Susan set her parents down, then saw that B.O.B. had ushered in a teenage couple who she assumed to be Katie and Cuthbert. She crouched down to shake their hands.

"Hi," she said. "Welcome to our party. I don't think we've met. I'm Susan."

Cuthbert flinched away from her hand before shaking it. "I'm Cuthbert," he said. "It's so amazing to meet you, Ginormica… or do you prefer Susan? You're a big hero of mine. Very empowering!"

Katie pushed past her boyfriend and took Susan's hand. "How ya doin'?" she said. "I'm Katie." Katie made a fair effort to put a dent in Susan's finger before flitting off to mingle, dragging Cuthbert along with her.

General Monger jetted in through one of the picture windows. "Happy Thanksgiving, monsters!" he called out. "It's an honor to celebrate with you on your first holiday as free U.S. citizens. The President asked me to apologize on his behalf, as he is celebrating at the White House. But I am always available for any function that my monsters need me for… sorry, I still think of you as 'my' monsters. You're nobody's monsters." He saluted them, and they saluted back.

Susan looked around. That left every guest accounted for apart from Derek. Nothing wrong with that. She poured herself a giant glass of wine and began to mingle.

"Hey, General," she said. "Sorry we missed your birthday party. How old are you now?"

"Ninety."

"Wow," Susan said. "Of course, if you opened the facility in 1950, you'd have to be, wouldn't you? So, are you going to retire?"

"Me? Never," the general said. "I work in the War Room now. The other day, the President pushed the wrong button… thank God, it turns out both buttons get him a latte. All that panic for nothing."

Link popped energetically around the party, hefting a gallon jug of wine. Insectosaurus was lapping wine from a tub-sized dish on the top of the cliff. Cuthbert nervously approached him.

"Hi, Insectosaurus," he said. "I've, uh, I've been reading your blog."

Insectosaurus called for Link, who jumped to the backyard elegantly. "You have a blog, Insecto?"

"Oh, it's really cool," Cuthbert said. "He describes his day-to-day activities, and in it there's a lot of lamentations about the restrictions of being him. You know, like he can't enter any buildings, he can't sing, he can't have a private conversation… yet it's worth it, because he has the four greatest friends in the world." Cuthbert sighed. "It's really poetic."

"'Course it's poetic," Link said with a smirk. "There wouldn't be any poetry without butterflies. Sounds like a lot of sappiness to me, pal."

"_SCREECH._"

"Well, yeah, but I thought you were dead. Guys can be sappy with other guys after they die. And what do you mean you can't sing? Opera singers break glass. Your voice breaks steel."

"_SCREECH._"

"Sure." To Cuthbert, Link said, "He wants to know if you've ever commented on his blog."

"Yeah," Cuthbert said. "I'm KatiesBabe122893."

Insectosaurus nodded with recognition, then roared again.

Link grunted. "You're one of his favorite posters. He wants to know if you have a blog of your own for him to check."

Cuthbert looked up at Insectosaurus. "He said all that? How can you understand him?"

"_SCREECH._"

"Don't talk about him like he ain't here. But yeah, I can understand him. It's a pretty subtle process, it's not really words or sentences. I don't know how I could teach someone else to do it."

Cuthbert nodded. "Yeah, I have a blog. Not much, just some poetry I do, love notes for my girlfriend, all that."

"_SCREECH_," Insectosaurus said.

"He says he'll check it out," Link said. "I think your girlfriend's looking for you."

Cuthbert quickly ran back to Katie. Insectosaurus screeched confidentially.

"You could be right," Link said. "They're a fit match if you think about it. Unless _she_'s gay, which could be."

"Dinner's ready!" Susan called.

Six humans and three monsters took their seats around a table, and steaming plates of food were passed around by butlers who were hand-picked for their snootiness. Susan took her own spot at her tall table, and her food was taken up to her table on ladders. A baked, spiced tree was hauled to Insectosaurus' spot by a large number of butlers.

Dr. Cockroach smacked his lips as large slab of turkey was passed in front of him.

"I thought you ate garbage," Wendy noted.

"Mostly," Dr. Cockroach admitted. "But even a cockroach can appreciate haute cuisine."

"Okay, everybody," Susan said, raising her wine glass. "Let's all say what we're thankful for…"

At that point, the door opened and a tall, handsome man entered the house nervously.

"Hi," he said. "Sorry I'm late."

Susan stood up and walked toward the man slowly. She heard a strange shuffling noise coming from the table behind her. "Derek," she whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"I… I got an invitation," he said. "Your friends all handwrote messages for me." He held up an invitation, containing Dr. Cockroach's elegant script, Link's abrasive boldface, B.O.B.'s illegible scrawl, and Insectosaurus' surprisingly delicate hand. "They said they checked with you before inviting me."

"I didn't think you'd actually turn up," Susan admitted. She heard more shuffling. What the heck was that?

Derek glanced in the direction of the sound, then looked back up at her. "Listen, Susan," he said. "I don't want to fight anymore."

"Is that because you know I can crush you between my fingers?" Susan said coldly. She heard more shuffling, and it occurred to her that it sounded like money changing hands.

"No, that's not it," Derek said. "Look, I'm not going to be so cornball as to ask for you back. I know I've blown that, but don't just write me off. I just want to keep in touch. Be friends."

"I don't—what is going on back there?" Susan demanded, as the shuffling noise resumed. As she whirled, she saw that all four of her fellow monsters were clutching wads of bills, while a pile of money sat on the table between them. They all froze.

"Uh, sorry, Susan," Link said. "We just kind of had a little pool going about how this would go."

"Yeah? How's that going?"

"Well, I was down at first, 'cause I was thinking he wouldn't even turn up," Link said. "But then I got up a bit, because I thought that you would threaten him. Insecto thought he'd want you back, so we all collected from him."

"Cool," Susan said. "Can you save it for after we're done? It's distracting." She turned back to Derek. "Sorry. Where was I?"

"Um… I'm pretty sure that sentence started with 'I don't'," Derek offered.

"Ah, that's right," she said. "I don't think so, Derek. You completely stamped out my heart… an impressive feat, considering my heart is probably about your size. I'm Ginormica now. Who am I going to find who'll love me for me? I can't do it, Derek. I can't forgive you. Any chance I have of falling in love is gone because of you. I hate you, Derek Dietl."

"Ho, ho! Cough it up!" Link said triumphantly. The other three passed him money. "Ha-ha, I'm doing pretty good considering my poor start." Seeing Susan's glare, he said. "Oh, sorry. Go on."

"Listen, Susan," Derek said. "You have every right to hate me, but you know… to err is human, to forgive is divine. But I don't think your love life is over. Your friend is the greatest scientist in history. Can't he work up a trinket or something so you can change to a normal human size at will?"

Susan blinked. "That has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Derek, get out of here before I throw you out the window."

"Please don't throw me out the window," Derek said hurriedly. "I just want your forgiveness. I'm on my knees begging." Realizing that he wasn't, he dropped to his knees. "Please, Susan Murphy. I'm not asking for anything major. Just… friendship and forgiveness. I suppose that's major, but…" He let it hang.

Susan glared for a few more seconds. "Fine," she said. "Sit. We were just about to say what we're thankful for."

"Ah," Derek said. "Well, I for one am thankful for forgiveness." He sat at the head of the table and raised his wine glass in a toast. Everyone looked up at Susan nervously, and followed her lead when she applauded.

"I'm thankful that we're all here today," Susan said. "My new friends, my family, all free and together. And I'm thankful to be a monster."

Everyone applauded. B.O.B. came next. "I'm thankful to be celebrating as a free monster," he said. "I'm thankful for my friends, and I'm thankful for this good, high-quality meal."

Wendy leaned in to Dr. Cockroach. "He actually is pretty sincere," she whispered.

"Yes," Dr. Cockroach said, "but then he'll wreck it by saying something like…"

"And I'm thankful that I've got it goin' on!" B.O.B. mimed an hourglass shape and formed his body into the same shape.

"Right," Dr. Cockroach said. "Um… well, I don't have much more to add. Mostly what B.O.B. said. We're all free, we're all together. We're a team, a family."

After the applause, all eyes turned to Link. "Hm? Oh. Uh, what they said. Freedom, friends, food, family. All the F's."

"I'm thankful for the good ol' U.S. of A!" General Monger said loudly.

"I'm thankful for my beautiful girlfriend!" Cuthbert said, wrapping his arm around her.

"Pass," Katie said.

"My wife and I," Carl said, "are thankful that we have a world hero for a daughter!"

That got more applause than any other. Insectosaurus gave the final toast with a screech and a raised tub of wine. Impressed applause rang out before Link had time to translate.

"Okay, everybody," Susan said. "Let's eat!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

As soon as she finished eating, Susan slid off her chair and ducked down into the basement. She sat there alone for a few minutes, until she was joined by Dr. Cockroach.

"Susan? Ah, I thought you came down here. Are you all right, my dear?"

"Do you… do you think Derek might have been onto something?" she wondered. "Could you come up with something… something I could wear? So I wouldn't have to be fifty feet tall all the time?"

"I thought you were forty-nine-foot-eleven."

"It's easier to round up. But can you?" She looked at him hopefully.

He sighed. "No, my dear. I'm afraid not. Your original assertion was correct; that's a completely stupid idea. Not easy, is it? I know how you feel."

**A/N: Again, I apologize. Do not take it personally, I beg you.**

"Really?"

"Of course, my dear. The Missing Link has been a monster all his life; B.O.B. and Insectosaurus have been monsters for as long as they've had a proper thought process. They never enjoyed life in the prison, but they realized that any chance they had of getting away would mean losing who they were. You and I, though, we left human lives behind. Believe me, I tried to get myself back to a human. Monger promised that I could leave if I could somehow lose my… 'monster-ness', I believe is the term he used. But there was no hope. My equipment and my calculations were all destroyed in the accident, and there's no way I could ever have replicated those circumstances with the little they gave me to work with. But enough about me. What brought this on? I thought you were content being a monster, especially since we're free now."

"Yeah," Susan said, "I love being a monster. But… you remember what Link said the other day? How monsters can never be lucky in love? He's right. When Derek left me, I realized… I'll never love again."

Dr. Cockroach raised his eyebrows. "Um… really? Don't you… er… never mind."

"Don't I what?"

"Don't you… er… don't you love… us? Your fellow monsters?"

"Oh, of course I do," Susan said quickly. "Of course I love you… all four of you. I meant romantically. You know… I'm sure there are a lot of guys who would like to be with me. I get love letters every day. But do I really want someone who wants to be with a giant woman? How creepy is that? You know what I mean?"

He nodded. "Oh, I know. Maybe you could talk to Link. He used to be one of a species, after all. Ask him how he copes."

Susan wrinkled her nose. "I don't feel comfortable discussing sensitive things with Link. I mean, he's good-hearted and all, but he'll never admit it. He'll just tease me."

"Of course," Dr. Cockroach said. "Then… would you like to talk to me?"

Susan looked up at the ceiling, contemplating. "Well… B.O.B. doesn't know jack about love, and I'd have to go through Link to talk to Insecto, so, yeah, that leaves you. Hm… although I'd probably talk to you anyway. You're… you're my best friend, after all."

"Er… really?"

"Of course," she said. "Come here." She held out her arm, and he scuttled up to her shoulder. She stroked his head, and he closed his eyes and sighed contentedly. "Were you ever in love, Doctor?" she asked.

"Hmm? Oh. Why, yes."

"You were?" she said, surprised. "You loved someone from your old human life?"

"No," he said slowly.

Susan thought about that, confused. Suddenly understanding, she looked down to her shoulder, but Dr. Cockroach was gone. "Doctor?" she called. She left the basement. "Link, where did Dr. Cockroach go?"

"Don't know," Link replied, not taking his eyes off his video game. "I think I heard him skittering upstairs… Why?"

"I… I think he just told me he loves me," she said quietly.

That got Link's attention. "Say what?"

Susan ignored him and ran upstairs. She knocked gently on Dr. Cockroach's door. "Doctor? Are you in there?" No answer. "Dr. Cockroach? Are you in there? I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Do… do you love me, Doctor?"

He opened his door. "Yes, yes I do."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Doctor," Susan said. "I must have said some pretty painful things back there."

"No, no, you're all right…"

"Oh, please, Dr. Cockroach. 'I love all four of you'? All that process of elimination crap for who I could talk to? That must have hurt."

He shrugged. "A bit," he said. "Don't worry about it, my dear. I'll be fine."

"What do you mean, you'll be fine?" Susan demanded.

"Oh, you know. I'll get over you."

"Doctor, I don't want you to get over me," Susan said. She took his hand. "I've never thought of you that way, but I do love you. Let's give it a try."

"So… would you like to date sometime?" Dr. Cockroach suggested meekly.

"Absolutely," she said. "Come here." He climbed up her arm again. "Why didn't you ask me sooner?"

"I don't know," Dr. Cockroach admitted. "I just… you know, what you were saying before about people who would be attracted to a giant woman. It could only be someone who knew you before all the fame. It's the same with all of us. Women follow us all everywhere. But none of us would consider dating them. We haven't made any new friends. People we knew before are the only people we can depend on."

"Of course," Susan realized. "Oh, Dr. Cockroach, I'm so happy. Let's go tell everyone."

Before Dr. Cockroach could object, Susan ran back down to the living room. "Everybody," she called. "Dr. Cockroach and I are gonna go out!"

Surprised glances scattered throughout the room. "How's that gonna work?" Link wondered. "To be honest, I can't see that becoming physical."

Susan flicked Link with one finger, then set Dr. Cockroach down. "This is so exciting!" she said. "I never saw this coming. I'm gonna go blog about it!" She ran to her room.

"Wow," Wendy commented. "I don't remember the last time I saw her that excited."

"I never have," Derek said quietly.

Dr. Cockroach laughed nervously. "Well, Susan is a wonderful woman, Mrs. Murphy. You've raised her well. I've always thought so, from the moment I met her. Well, the moment I met her, she started beating me with a spoon, but after that I thought she was a wonderful woman."

"I know what you mean," Derek muttered.

"Oh, bugger off, Derek," Dr. Cockroach snapped. "You had your chance. She's mine now. Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha!"


	5. Monsters vs Vampires

**Okay. I was originally going to put in a little throwaway joke about how the **_**Monsters vs. Aliens**_** universe coexists with a certain other universe. But it was so good, I felt I had to make an entire story about it. So, "The Good Life" is going to end, probably permanently. Don't worry, the story will continue… but it might be harder to get if you're unfamiliar with a certain series of books.**

**Chapter 5: Monsters vs. Vampires**

"Evening, monsters," General Monger said.

"Hey, General," Link replied. "You wanted to see us?"

"That's right," Monger said. "I'm here to talk about vampires."

"Van tires?" B.O.B. said excitedly. "Ooh, I love van tires. They taste good. Like rubber. Well, they are rubber…"

"No, B.O.B., vampires," Monger said. "Blood drinkers." He turned on a slide show, which showed a photograph of a red-eyed, pale-skinned man drinking from a neck of a more normal-looking man. "The existence of vampires has been disputed for many centuries. Sightings all over the world have occurred. Every culture in the world has their own, separate mythology. Now, regular humans presumably cannot discover vampires without being destroyed. You monsters, on the other hand, might be able to get something done about this."

Susan raised an eyebrow. "Vampires? Really? You can't be serious, General."

"A year ago, if you'd been asked about monsters or aliens, would you have thought they existed?" Monger challenged. "Just bear with me, Ginormica. What have you got to lose? A few days of your time? Easily made up."

Susan nodded. "Okay, General. What do you want us to do?"

"I have reason to believe," Monger said, "that there is a tiny island off the coast of Brazil that is the occasional vacation spot of several vampires. We want you monsters to find out all that you can about these vampires, and determine if they or any other vampires pose a threat to our society. The photo here indicates that they do, but we want to make sure. And stay together, the five of you. You're practically invulnerable as a group, but individually it may be possible for the vampires to take you down. Take no chances. I care about y'all." He saluted them, and they saluted back.

"Where's this island, General?" Susan asked.

The general held up a map of South America. "Somewhere around here," he said, pointing. "We're not sure exactly, but the maid gave us pretty good directions. They call it 'Isle Esme'. Insectosaurus, you think you could find this place?"

The butterfly nodded, and lowered a wing for the other four monsters to climb up.

"Good luck, monsters," Monger said.

Dr. Cockroach laughed. "We don't need luck, General," he said. "We have each other."

**...to be continued in MONSTERS VS. VAMPIRES**,** a Monsters vs. Aliens / Twilight crossover fic.**


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